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Mitchell’s Plain Coloureds

29 Jun

What is Coloured mense? I have seen many a definitions and would like to know how many of it really describe the “Coloured mense” One of the great groups i have found representing us is HERE . Please note this is not meant as a race discussion but more to get to know the people around you.

What i found on net describing Coloureds, True or False, u decide:

You know you coloured when…

If you go to braai at the beach / forest, suip the whole day and don’t even braai any meat, then you might be coloured.

If you used to go up to Rhodes memorial at night, to suip then have to drive kak fast out because you saw the police vans coming up, you might be coloured.

If you used to stand outside Galaxy in your convertible BMW while its 4 degrees outside, just so the kinnis coming out can see you, then you might be coloured.

If 19 inch to you means the rims on your car, you might be coloured.

If your car can’t go over speed bumps or you can’t visit some of your friends because you can’t get up their drive-way, you might be coloured.

If you have a ringtone of 50c and biggie smalls on your phone, you might be coloured.

If you wear 3 gold chains, 4 bracelets and gold rings on every finger (with dollar signs) but you cant afford to pay your childs welfare, you may be coloured.

If you have gold teeth, you may be coloured.

If you used to wake up early on a Saturday morning to paint your purcells white before going to Vibe, you may be coloured.

If you use lightbulbs for other purposes, you may be coloured.

If you live in Mitchells Plain, Delft, Athlone or anywhere else on the Cape Flats, you are coloured.

If you meet a foreigner, and the first thing you wanna do is teach him to say “jou ma se…” you might be a coloured.

If you have ever gone to bed with a swirl kous on your head…you might be a coloured.

If you’ve ever had a polony gatsby cut in four and a litre fruilaatie then you might be coloured.

If you use the word “woelag “,”awe”, “Duidelik” and “HO$H”… you might be a coloured.

If your parents call your friends by their nicknames like Kos, Brood, Sloffies, Goppie and The Moor… you might be a coloured.

If your hair isn’t straight and u still can make spikes….you might be a coloured.

If you ask your friends for petrol money for driving them around cos you smaak to skut… you might be a coloured.

If u can eat a gatsby without messing on your purcells… u might be a coloured.

If you organise a trip to the beach and you take a whole pot of breyani and half the contents of your house with… you might be a coloured.

If you own a Zippo lighter and its laying at home cos u can’t afford liquid… u might be a coloured.

If u walked to Arena from the taxi rank in Cape Town in a bomber jacket and don’t take it off till you got home with sweat marks under your arms and back… u might be a coloured.

If the word “Vibe” brings back fond memories of dark corners, DJ Fast Eddy and bluezing with that lekker burk/kin you been eyeing all afternoon… you might be a coloured.

If the replies to the “Please Call Me’s” are “Please Call Me’s”… then the girl you smaak … might be a coloured.

If you ever practiced dancing in the mirror before going to a jol… you might be a coloured.

If your car sounds like it’s speeding down the road, but it’s only pulling out of the driveway, then you might be coloured.

If you go into Edgars Red Square and spray you before meeting that kin by the movies… you might be a coloured.

If you ever platted your 2 colour laces on your north star
excitements… you might be a coloured.

If your mother threatened u with a houte lepel before… you might be coloured.

If you went to go greet on xmas/labarang and the pants your mommy made for you matches someone’s curtains, then you might be coloured.

If you go from house to house on xmas/labarang just to vreet the mense’s pan peanuts… you might be a coloured.

If you go greet on xmas/labarang and u don’t get paper money from the mense then u take a vrag of sweets and mebos to spite them… then you might be a coloured.

If you go home with 2 barakats from a wedding… you might be a coloured.

If you go to a wedding and your mommy has a pick n pay bag in her bag and when she gets home its full of slangetjies and endearmints… you might be a coloured.

If you eat warm breyani and cold chicken at a wedding with that bakkies of ice-cream for dessert… then u might be at a coloured wedding.

When you & the taxi gaardtjie are friends… then you might be coloured.

If a bergie loafs an entjie by you and you give him a royal and he laughs at you, then you are a dom coloured.

If your mommy take cold chicken and koesiesters and a flask coffee/tea and cream crackers with cheese to the beach , then you coloured!

If you smaak boentjie kerrie more then your girlfriend…then you might be a coloured.

If you still got a Pepe dungaree in your cupboard… you might be a coloured.

And if you laughed while reading this… YOU ARE DEFINITELY COLOURED……!!!!!!!!!!

 

How To Be Brown
1) Wear a Carvela
2) Wear Levi’s
3) Wear “Gold” Jewellery
4) Make Sure You Have More Rings Than American Swiss
5) Swear
6) Drink Bear
7) Gate-Crash A Party With An Open Bar
8) Send Please Call Me’s
10) Drink Jack Daniels
11) Fight The First Guy/Girl That Looks At You Funny
12) Have A Knife Tucked Away In Your Sock
13) Walk With Your Left Arm Behind Your Back, Clutching Your Straightened Right Arm
14) Sit On The Corner, ANY Corner (Preferably Close To A Bottle Store)
15) Go To Club With No Money. Don’t Worry About Entrance, A Bushie Maak ‘n plan
16) Swear
17) Shout When You Talk
18) Play Ta-ta Box. Stab The Other Guy When You Lose
19) (For Girls) Walk Around Pulling Your Face
20) Hair Problems (Need I Say More?)
21) Go To A Club. Don’t Leave Until You Take Over
22) Every Chance You Get, Start Chanting “Show Dem, Show Dem, Show Dem F***en Show Dem!”
23) Join A Dance Circle And Bust The Same Moves Over And Over Again.
24) Challenge Everyone Better Than You To A Dance-Off And Fight Them When You Lose
25) Wear Dirty Shoes
26) Drive A Kush
27) Have tHe Driver’s Seat Of Your Car Lean So Far Back That You Look At The Side Mirrors Through The Back Window
28) Claim To Know Every Bouncer In Every Club
29) Drink Beer
30) Sit In The Passenger Seat Of Your Friend’s Car And Act Cool
31) Bum A Gwai When You Have A 20 In Your Pocket
32) Eat Brown Bread
33) Be Good At Maths In Standards 6 And 7, But Fail It From There On.
34) Have Something To Say About Everything
35) Direct Traffic And Act Like The Owner Of The Salsa Bar And Zanzibar At Lusito Land On The Last Saturday Of The Event.
36) (For Girls) Bully Coloured Boys
37) Have A Certain Group Of Coloureds That You Just Can’t Stand The Sight Of
38) Fight At Least Twice At Lusito Land, The Beer Fest And Other Such Occassions
39) Speak With THAT Accent
40) Think That Every Coloured Is Your Friend
41) Think That Every Coloured Is Your Enemy
42) Use Shell GTX-50 Oil As Gel
43) Make Sure Everyone Can See You Walking With That Heineken
44) Swear Again
45) Say “Jou Ma Se P***” With Inconceivable Feeling
46) Wear Your Brother’s/Sister’s/Friend’s Clothes
47) Drive A Golf
48) Start A Fight Because You Have A Gun In Your Car
49) F*** Up That Guy That Stepped On Your Shoes
50) Date A Girl 7 Years Younger Than You.
51) Get Pregnant/ Be A Dad
52) Get Fired From The Job You Didn’t Have
53) Have At Least One Family Member That’s A Well-Known Gangster/Drug-Dealer
54) Go To RasCasse
55) BE PROUD TO HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL/SEXY/GORGEOUS WOMEN IN THE WHOLE F***ING WORLD AS PART OF YOUR RACE!
56) Refer To Lacoste As Lakaai
57) Attend C4 (Every Night)
58) Call Your Mother “Maa”
59) If Someone Doesn’t Give You What You Want, Ask Them “Ken Jy Wie Is Ek?”
60) Before Leaving Someone’s House Be Sure To Request Money Like This: “Che Fy-Bob Der”
61) Call Your Brother/Cousin/Uncle To Fight Your Fights
62) Rent A Place In Reiger Park, Westbury, Newclare, Westville, Riverlea, Florida, Roodepoort, Robertsham Or Southhills.
63) Buy A Horizon 18 Karrimor Bag. If You Can Afford An extra R10, Buy The Horizon 20
64) Let The Paint On The Walls Of Your House Peel Off.
65) Join The “Mxit Addicts” Group On Facebook
66) Be At Tryline (UJ) Every Friday Afternoon, Including Holidays
67) Have A R10 000 Car With R5 000 Worth Of Sound And R15 000 Rims
68) Love The Camera
69) Have At Least 20 Pictures Of Yourself On Thunda.com
70) Throw A Party. Get Wasted And Be In Bed By 8pm
71) Steal Another Man’s Idea, Claim It As Your Own
72) Date At Least Two Of Your Friends’ Ex Girl/Boyfriends
73) Remove Your Front Teeth
74) Get A Gold Tooth/Slit
75) Have No Culture cause you think you mix race
76) Make Sure Your Petrol Gauge Is On The “E” Because “E” = Enough And “F” = Finish
78) Dont Smile Unless You Have A Gold Tooth/Slit
79)Make Sure You Have Every Avalible Lacoste Golf Shirt Ever Made
80) Answer Your House Fone With The following Words ‘ awee ‘
81) Never Be On Time
82) Tell A Girl You Have Never Seen In Your Life How Much You LOVE Her

Are You A Bushie?

You might be a Bushie if u know the meaning of “pap ‘n tik”….

You might be a Bushie if “chupa’s, mandela’s, rooi sherbet and tama-lie-kie” was considered a luxury….

You might be a Bushie if u used to tape frm Radio Metro on a 2 for R5-00 TDK cassette….

You might be a Bushie if u invested in that moerse bottle of hair gel that the whole family could use…

You might be a bushie if you show up late for almost everything EXCEPT when entry to the “club” is FREE before 11:00 PM.

You might be a bushie if call an older person you’ve never met before ‘uncle’ or ‘aunty.’

You might be a bushie if you have an annoying nickname.

You might be a bushie if at least one of your family members is a teacher

You might be a bushie if you have a party for a one-year old, and there is more adults than children

You might be a bushie if you drink to drown your sorrows, you drink to celebrate your good times and when it’s quiet, you drink to MAKE something happen!

You might be a bushie…if you calculate money owed to you in terms of cases of beer. (example: “That ou owes me R200…that’s a whole 2 cases…maader!!”)

YOU ARE A BUSHIE if you got a shot of Jack in one hand and a shot of rum in the other and you fall kak hard down a flight of stairs without spilling a drop

you might be a bushy if you go to a family party and all the parents are having a better time than the adolescence

You might be a bushie if you know what “glades” are and you know what it means when your hair has “gone home”…

This one works on my nerves! You must be a bushie if its ok to go shopping, visit neighbours or whoever and driving around town wearing hair rollers!

You a bushie if you a sweeper! (Definition of a sweeper: A person rushing for left overs of lunch at a office meeting that you did not attend; wedding or funeral when you don’t even know the people etc etc).
Sometime leftovers could be a potchie jem!

You might be a Bushie if you have a uncle who always dress like an O.G (old gangsta ) and uses phrases like “Tigers don’t cry my laaitie !”

You might be a Bushie if youve had pickled fish on Good Friday every year since you were a baby.

You might be a Bushie if you knew the words to all the Manhattan, Temptations etc. songs by the age of six.

If ever you played a game called Kieriemeke ,KING ,rounders, denne…you’re a Bushie

You might be a bushie if your family only gets to get together at funerals and weddings and vow to keep in touch after that and then get together… at the next wedding or funeral.

You might be a bushie if the family gets together and theres one uncle/cousin who is always in a rollery with another family member, but everybody smaaks him because he makes all the jokes.

You might be a bushie if your sunday lunch consists of, roast (with potatoes), curry, boiled vegetables, rice, pumpkin, lettuce salad (all encompassing – could be greek or french…whatever), some salad with mint (and don’t tell me mint sauce, been chowing this for years with chillies, and the boere only chow it with lamb anyway), some salad with mayo (potato or coleslaw) and it’s perfectly normal. In fact, if anythings missing it’s wierd.

You might be a bushie if you with some family members and one of the senior members gets dronk and feels this a good time to toets YOUR new car.

You might be a Bushie if, you’ve ever uttered the words “Hol hom in masenes!”

You might be a Bushie if you ever referred to sex as “eps-keleps”.

You might be a Bushie if anyone in your family has ever removed their two front teeth as a feshun statement.

You might be a Bushie if the sound and mags on your car is worth more than the car itself.

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6 Comments

Posted by on June 29, 2011 in Afrikaans, Discussions

 

6 responses to “Mitchell’s Plain Coloureds

  1. Thomas Wertheim

    August 11, 2011 at 3:41 AM

    Coloured is a dirty word,and derogatory and degrading,and should be erased from all history books,government information,and not to be used in media outlets.As there is no such bloody blood as coloured blood,it is a fallacy and has no biological meaning or use

     
  2. Thomas Wertheim

    August 11, 2011 at 2:57 AM

    How anyone can be proud to be called Coloured or named Coloured by Whites,or being wriiten about as Coloured,by the media outlets, and government information documents,is hard or difficult to understand,that it is still the case in South Africa.I would have thought or be under the impression,that in the New South Africa,the word Coloured would have been erased from all information that related to the ethnic or South African people or citizens.I still firmly is of the believe that it is a dirty word and derogatory or degrading. As there is no biological prove that blood is Coloured,the only colour blood has is red. So let us read more comments,if that is a logical argument or not…Karooseun

     
  3. Karooseun

    August 4, 2011 at 1:18 AM

    Thank you for your response,yes it may be true,in some social life issues,but in the sense it is used,by some it does become as written,but as an historical fact,all people that came or were born in the cape are from the same blood mixture,since the landing in Table bay Dutch most of the crew on or of those ships were of mixed race,they had wives and concubines that they either were Malay or Indonesian,and everyone born from that period on,were of mixed blood,therefore it is a fact of the history of the so called Afrikaner that they were and still are blood brothers of the so called bruin mense,and up to this very time in the history of South Africa,there are still people who are the so called Afrikaners,have so called Bruin mense relatives.When the Apartheid basatards introduced the mixed marriiage act,many were and became the victims of the act,you were either classified wit of kleurling,and many dark skinned people past the test,and many fair skinned ones failed the test. And when the Nats were getting ready for the 1948 election,they re addmitted many who they has rejectes as wit back into the so called Afrikaner nasie for political gain.I know this as a fact because I was there and worked with them,but on principle and moral reasons then joined the UP/VP.The Nats won the election and the so called bruin mense are now Afrikaners.So wie is wit en wie is swart in the so called AFRIKANER NASIE

     
  4. Karooseun

    August 3, 2011 at 5:53 AM

    NO ONE SHOULD BE PROUD TO BE NAMED A COLOURED.AS YOUR BLOOD IS RED AS THE BLOOD OF ALL OTHER PEOPLE IN SOUTH AFRICA AND THE BLOOD OF YOUR AFRIKANER BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO COME FROM THE SAME SOURCE WHEN THE CAPE WAS ESTABLISHED IN 1652 THERE CAN BE NO ISSUE OR CASE MADE TO DENY THAT YOU AND THEM ARE BLOOD BROTHERS AND SISTERS

     
  5. Karooseun

    August 3, 2011 at 5:43 AM

    THE NAME COLOURED OR COLOURED PEOPLE IS A DIRTY DESCRIPTION OF THE PEOPLE OD THE WESTERN CAPE AND CAPE TOWN OR FOR THAT MATTER ANYWHERE IN SOUTH AFRICA.IT WAS A DEROGATORY NAME..? GIVEN TO THE PEOPLE BY THE BLOODY POMS WHEN THEY OCCUPIED THE CAPE,AND SHOULD BE SCRAPPED OR ERASED FROM THE RACE CLASSIFICATION DESCRIPTION OF PEOPLE THAT ARE CALLED COLOURED. THERE IS ONLY ONE TYPE OF BLOOD AND THAT COLOUR IS RED. NO ONE THEREFORE SHOULD BE PROUD OF THAT DEROGATORY TERM COLOURED..? AS YOUR BLOOD IS RED ALSO,AS THERE IS NO SUCH BLOOD IN BIOLOGICALLY SPEAKING, TERMS THAT IS NOT RED.I WOULD LIKE SOME COMMENTS ABOUT WHAT I WROTE

     
    • mitchellsplain

      August 3, 2011 at 9:08 AM

      Well the same could be said of Black and white then? I mean the so called mix race people of south africa are to white to be called black or even qualify for a affirmative action job or to black in the same sense compared to white jobs. The Government have quotas that say certain percentage of a race in a company or job structure. This is the same government who fought for equality and apartheid to be gone with lol, crazy aint it. You ask yourself where is racism, its right here, on your official letters lol. Why the name, yes for many it would be a derogatory name but for others it will be a form of recognition. We as well were called Cape Malay, why not Cape Dutch or Cape Pom lol. Around the world Coloured means black, what make us unique is that in SA coloured means mix race, so many foreigners and none mix race will find it a derogatory name. In the same sense where blacks call each other “niggers”, as soon as someone form different race says it, you dead lol. Same goes for whites calling each other “boertjie” but let another race say it, all hell breaks loose. So yes in some form from the outside it is derogatory but when you living it, its a form of recognition….

       

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